I’m tired of being what I was always been…….I’m tired of being entitled to everyone’s opinion…..I’m tired of cursing my tormented fate for all! I sincerely need to change my sardonic outlook…..I can safely call myself ‘the biggest choker of all time’…this won’t undermine my indolence nor my idyllic view of my ambience.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be ‘Mowgli’, you know, of jungle book coz I thought it was cool talking to animals & having friends in jungle & use a boomerang as a gadget. Of course that was very naïve of me but we all learn to be what we are rite now. But in my case I chose the other path & ended badly nowhere in between. I’m sick of engineering, I’m sick of my guardian’s hope in me, I’m sick of my responsibility……no option , I’m being selfish & outright foolish in saying but this is what I feel. I am very confident that I should have been in literary world rather than in technological menagerie ….I remember once my dad asked me what I wanted to be in life & like my mother had already guided, I replied ‘good human being’….this was way back when I was a toddler. Today, after 21 years of futile attempt at life, I’m finally getting pieces together. I’m slowly understanding that it doesn’t matter whether I smile at strangers or not, it hardly counts if I stood a good Samaritan…this world has got into a very different mode & I don’t see myself anywhere fitting enough.
Today, everything is very vague for me……this wasn’t the case, say 4 years ago, I was a blue-eyed boy….tentative elder son & role model for juniors…but due to meddling with poems & literary affairs… I digressed!! I wonder how good school days when I was fastidious about everything around, unlike now where it is difficult to distinguish between dream & reality.This whole package of turning from good ol’ boy to hedonistic son feeds my material for writing but not my pockets, sadly! I’ve got a few friends of my own whom I can count on but they too aren’t that much impressed with my ‘progress’……perhaps they are worth their frank opinion. They don’t understand me nor my poems but it indeed isn’t their fault. They r just being mundane & honest.
I’m a huge digger for good cinema…. to me the language hardly matters……
I’ve got 9 papers to clear this year to stay in quest for my graduation….but to speak candid, I’m nowhere near preparation. On the other hand, I’m having a new affair this time & the dame in question is ‘diving’……. ya springboard diving. But I must admit I’m not that proficient in it either may be I should get back to reading Engg books or starting writing drafts for short stories. But you kno what, this thing, in spite of the innumerable bad fall I had, is worth every ache! I also wish to dribble like Gaucho & speak like Mitt Romney……. & ya hang on till I see the whole world & get close to my dream….. Indubitably I’m a genuine dreamer with hardly a thing to lose & hardly a thing to possess. I’ve no leaning towards any philosophy but I’m periodically touched by my Creator’s gestures when an utter unknown helps in a small sweet way….thats life, I guess
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